The First Day

Today was my first day back at work. I knew it was coming. I was so blessed to have so much time with my sweeties. I was out a total of 16 weeks. That's rare in my opinion so I'm thrilled to have had that long. And I'm so lucky to have a job, a good job, with benefits and great people to work with and don't forget-a fabulous discount. But at the same time, nothing could have made the first morning any easier.


Emily Grace is fine with me leaving. She's used to it and she gets to play with her buddies. When we walk her to the door it's like "see ya mom!" and she's off. She never even looks back unless I call her to the door to give me a kiss good-bye.


But little Luke broke my heart today, as expected. It started when he woke up this morning. He grinned and giggled like he had never done it before. I think it tickles him to know that he can be so happy. Or maybe he likes to see my eyes water... I don't know!


Then came time to put him in the car seat. When I picked him up he cooed and gave me the biggest smile I've ever seen from him. Why does he have to be so darn cute? So I pulled him back out to give him another cuddle and a kiss. And when I went to put him in the seat, he did it again. Dang it Luke- that was the longest process ever because I kept pulling him back to cuddle once more because he kept smiling and gurgling at me.


Then we got to day care. I love where we take the kids. I'd never pick anywhere else to send them. She is wonderful. But when I set him down in his carrier, his big blue eyes looked at me like "oh, there you are mommy!" and he smiled that heart-breaking smile. I picked him up to prepare to hand him over and he cooed and nestled his head on my chest. And then Luke looked at me with these big sparkly blue eyes and he was simply at peace. As I started to hand him over and walk away, his grin faded and you could see a little bit of panic combined wonder start to set in. I hate that part. I wish I didn’t have to do that. I can't explain to him where I have to go. Or rather, I can't explain to my heart why I have to do this. I really can't. I know he was fine today. I know it. I really do. But my tear-ducts aren't connected to that knowledge.


I got to work and everything was fine. Everyone was so glad to see me and they have all been so thoughtful and delicate and understanding of today. Honestly, I have such good friends here that it's like I never left. It really is ok. But I'm counting the minutes to 5pm. I'm so ready to have my little man back in my arms. And then tomorrow will be here too soon and I'll have to have another piece of my heart chipped off once again.